fermentarium » Beer nuts!

Canada rules: 23 strikes and you’re out

DJ Spiess — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 03:09:07 +0000

Really? His twenty-third drunk driving offense, and Terry Naugle is complaining about a 8 1/2 year sentence.

His lawyer, Luke Craggs, thought the sentence was 3 1/2 years longer than Naugle should get, since the maximum sentence is 5 years. I’m pretty sure law makers didn’t think someone would have 23 drunk driving offenses when they were constructing the law. If the maximum sentence is 5 years, I think he’s been getting off lucky in the past. 23 x 5 is 115 years.

Not only was he arrested for drunk driving for the 23rd time (did I mention he’s been arrested 23 times?!?), he fled the scene of the accident, and had no license since he just got out of jail three weeks ago from his 22nd offense. The cops know him as “Super Naugle, because he’s super at what he does – drinking and driving”.

I think after 3 arrests, you should never be allowed near a car again. The guy clearly has a problem and is a danger to society. However, it’s clear jail isn’t working either. What would you suggest as a punishment for Super Naugle?

This guy gets the beer nut designation for “lifetime achievement”.

(Source: The Globe and Mail)

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Proof beer and video cameras exist in Europe too!

DJ Spiess — Thu, 20 May 2010 20:07:05 +0000

This actually looks fun (minus the end part), but I’m sure the idea was conceived after a few pints!

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PSA: Don’t drink beer in a police car

DJ Spiess — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 16:20:33 +0000

Another drunk who is gosh darn happy to be arrested

Tasha Lee Cantrell’s, 19, friend had just been arrested in Fort Walton, FL. for a DUI, so she asked the arresting officer for a ride home. On the way to her house the officer heard a can crack open. You’re thinking “oh no she didn’t”, but oh yes she did.

Apparently she was so overcome with thirst, she decided to crack open a can of Steel Reserve (classy choice) right in the back seat of the squad car. The officer heard the can open, and noticed she was drinking something. He stopped the car, found the beer can, and arrested her. Not only was she rewarded with a quenched thirst, she also received an express ride straight to the police station for underage drinking. All of this was captured on the squad car video system. (will this be on the next episode of COPS: Ft. Walton?)

When Tasha was asked by the officer why she thought she could drink the beer in the back seat she replied, “I have no right answer for you.” I’m pretty sure the correct answer is “because I’m stupid”.

She was having a great time in her first mug shot, but it looks like the evening wore as she sobered up. It’s a great beer nut story, but I’m not sure the “guess how stupid I was the night I was arrested” story is really one she’ll want to tell her friends.

(Source: TheSmokingGun)

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Beer run in a “mow rider”

DJ Spiess — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 01:19:35 +0000

Apparently when trying to avoid a DWI, several beer nuts out there think it’s ok to drive a lawnmower instead of a car. It’s not.

It doesn’t matter what alcohol you’re buying either. Last time it was a wine run, this time it’s a beer run. Both ended with the same results – an arrest.

Joseph Simme of Lancaster, NY, lost his license for previous DWI convictions (that’s plural). You’d think he’d learned his lesson by this point, but it seems he still doesn’t get it. He knew he couldn’t drive his car so he allegedly moved on to his next vehicle of choice, a lawn mower.

After attempting to cross a busy street in his “mow rider”, police caught up with him and arrested him for driving under the influence. According to police reports, Simme blew a 0.14 which is well over the legal limit.

Law says you can't drive one of these drunk. Even bicycles are out in most places.

His only comment was he didn’t know it was illegal to drive a lawnmower intoxicated. When later questioned by a judge, he only replied “no comment”. When you’re caught driving while intoxicated on a lawn mower, I guess there really isn’t anything you can add.

There seems to be some confusion about whether a lawn mower should count. The reasoning is you do not need a license to drive a lawn mower. Still you can cause damage and put yourself and others in harms way if you’re driving a mower drunk. What do you think? Does Simme get his DWI hat-trick in his grass Zamboni?

(Source: WIVB.com)

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Russian swig swine flu (H1N1) non-cure

DJ Spiess — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 01:27:42 +0000

The Russian H1N1 flu remedy

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the United Kingdom has 16,556 confirmed cases of the H1N1 virus (can I still call it the swine flu). Models by UK’s Health Protection Agency estimates there are currently 110,000 people infected with the swine flu (+/- 50,000 people). The Russian soccer team is traveling to the UK next month for the World Cup qualifying round. How does the Russian soccer supporting organization, VOB, feel about this?

“We don’t want our team to be without any support for such an important match so we urge our fans to go to Wales despite the health warning,” spokesman Alexander Shprygin said.

Good plan.

Maybe the soccer organization should focus on soccer and less on anti-science

The soccer organization [read NOT a health organization] does offer suggestions for their soccer fans to prevent infection from the virus, a virus to which humans currently have no immunity. They suggest drinking Welsh whiskey. The irresponsibility of this suggestion does not stop there. VOB head Shprygin also goes on to say drinking the whiskey “should cure all symptoms of the disease.” People around the world are dying from the H1N1 virus, and the Russians were holding out on a cure all along. Just drink Welsh whiskey.

“Russian fans don’t fear anything or anybody so this virus will not stand in our way of supporting our team.”

The Russians will bring home some interesting souvenirs with this attitude, most notably the H1N1 virus.

Does alcohol prevent colds?

Well, sort of. If you are rubbing it on your hands it will help prevent colds. Drinking Welsh whiskey, however, is not likely to help you. An alcohol-based hand cleaner will probably work better (as a hand sanitizer, not as a beverage!).

This belief probably comes from your grandmother’s remedy of a hot toddy. The idea is the alcohol destroys germs in your bloodstream. Unfortunately, there are no scientific studies showing alcohol will help you repel cold infections, however, there are plenty of studies demonstrating too much alcohol will make a cold worse. Too many drinks will weaken the immune system, making it much more difficult to fight off your infection.

There are some studies showing positive effects from moderate drinking of alcohol, but nothing conclusive. There are many studies showing alcohol has a negative effect as well. Alcohol dehydrates your system, which could prolong your symptoms. Until a study comes out with rock solid evidence, I’d abstain from alcohol when you are sick.

Is there anything red wine can’t do?

Red wine seems to be an exception. Moderate amounts of red wine will help keep you healthy (2 glasses a day), but it is not the alcohol helping you. Red wine contains high amounts of antioxidants, which help to keep you healthy. Of course you could also drink grape juice or some other beverage with high amounts of antioxidants, but that is not nearly as much fun.

(Source: Reuters)

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Drunks expecting deposit get withdrawl

DJ Spiess — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:02:03 +0000

Beware of beautiful women who are interested in you!

Three sexy women were arrested for scamming drunk men out of their money. The young women in their 20s targeted drunk men outside bars offering rides home or after hour parties. Once the man was lured into in the car, the sirens would slip their hands into the men’s pockets removing their cell phones, cash, and wallets.

The three women slipped their hands into the pants of more than 50 “victims” before the law caught up with them. The vicitms included lawyers and NYU professors. One drunk lost $5000 to the three women. There was no word on how many men were “repeat victims”.

The sexy sting worked like this. Tiffany Rasberry, 21, and Barbara Labady, 22, lured men into a car offering to take the man to an after hours party. One lawyer got into the car, and then needed to stop at an ATM machine on the way. The two girls watched him punch in his PIN, then when they got back into the car they ran their hands into his pockets removing his wallet. The third woman, Subhanna Beyah, 21, feigned illness. He stepped out of the car to let her out, and the car sped away with his wallet and PIN. Within thirty minutes the women had removed $1600 from his account.

The lawyer has apparently never seen X-Men 2 or he’d know Magneto’s famous line, “Never trust a beautiful woman, especially a beautiful woman who’s interested in you”. Luckily for him, he noticed his wallet missing and called the cops right away. The three vixens were arrested for multiple counts of grand larceny and possession of stolen property.

The women’s defense was “it was an alternative to turning tricks”.

(Source: New York Post)

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Drunk and naked

DJ Spiess — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 05:27:08 +0000

Drunk and naked seems to be a theme. Usually these people are found robbing quickie stores or getting stuck in chimneys. Here are a few different naked drunks.

Not a burglar, just a drunk naked lady

Wearing white fishnet stockings and nothing else, Sherry “Cougar-in-training” McNeal, 47, repeatedly slammed herself into a Ridley Park, Philadelphia home. The neighbors heard the ruckus and thought she was trying to break into the house. Well technically she was trying to break in, because the door was locked.

A re-enactment of the naked "burglary"

The police arrived to arrest the naked burglar, only to discover she was a guest at the home. She didn’t know how she got outside, and she didn’t know why she was naked. Her equally inebriated host had no clue either. They were both cited for disorderly conduct and told to stay inside. No word if the police needed eye bleach after the incident, or if the President will invite her over to the White House for a beer.

(Source: philly.com)

I’m not sober, but I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night

An Australian man also wearing nothing down under, lost his way in a New Zealand hotel. Undaunted by being lost, he crashed in the first available hotel room he could find for a night’s rest. Unfortunately for him, the couple currently occupying the room had a problem with this.

While the intruder was passed out, the couple called for help. Actually the man phoned the hotel staff, while the woman hid in the bathroom. When the police arrived, the drunk man of course had no idea how he got naked or where his friends were. He was given a hotel robe and a ride home. No charges were filed against the man, because everyone involved had a good laugh over the incident. If this happened in the USA, he’d probably have to register as a sex offender.

(Source: Reuters.com)

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Slippery when wet!

DJ Spiess — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:00:37 +0000

Any kid or adult who has experienced Wham-o’s Slip N’ Slide knows they are FUN! Personally I find them irresistible, so I can sympathize with this beer nut.

Forty-one year-old Margaret Bachop from La Crosse, Wisconsin, saw her five year-old neighbor enjoying his Slip N’ Slide. Can you blame her for wanting to join in the fun? She didn’t have a swimsuit available, so she did what any drunk with a 0.30 percent blood alcohol content would do. She stripped down to her underware (bra and thong) and attempted to join in the fun. A neighbor ran over to cover her with a bed sheet.

The drunk woman, who was under court order to abstain from alcohol, was arrested on her front porch. She was charged with disorderly conduct, and lewd and lascivious behavior. I can see the disorderly conduct and an additional charge for drinking while under court order to abstain, but the lewd behavior charge is silly. If the woman was wearing a smaller and more revealing bathing suit, would she still be charged for lewd behavior? I’m betting this charge will be dropped quicker than she dropped her pants.

(Source: LaCrosse Tribune)

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It’s a bird… it’s a plane… It’s a S#!^-Faced Ruskie!

DJ Spiess — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 02:34:57 +0000

Alexei Roskov slammed three bottles of vodka. I think one bottle would have me praying to the porcelain god for the rest of the night. Three bottles of vodka is just amazing (or stupid). For his next trick the Moscow man opened a window from his fifth story window and, to the horror of his wife, he jumped out. No parachute.

The man somehow survived (Darwin fails) and walked back up to his apartment. You’d think his wife would be ecstatic he survived the fall. She wasn’t. He was greeted with a stern lecture about alcohol and gravity, in Russian no less.

The 22 year old man decided he could not take the nagging, so he went with the first idea he could think of. Well actually it was the only idea he could form that night.

His quote says it all. “I have no idea why I jumped the first time but when I came back up and I heard my wife screaming angrily at me I thought it was best if I left the room again – out of the window.” Again with no parachute.

Paramedics were called to the scene to attend to the drunk. Amazingly the man had minor scratches (Darwin fails again), and I have a new found respect for Russian drunks.

The man claims he is now sober and no longer drinks.

(Source: The Star)

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The Apple DWI defense

DJ Spiess — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:04:41 +0000

The Apple DWI Defense

Newspaper Gazeta Wyborcza reported last week Marek Latas, a Polish lawmaker, was pulled over for a DWI. The legal blood alcohol content limit in Poland is 0.2 units. Latas was pulled over with a blood alcohol content of 0.7 units. I have no idea how units translate to the US blood alcohol content percentages, never less, it is clear by just comparing the numbers, he was drunk.

“I have been involved in no accident, I underwent a routine roadside check. I was confident there was no chance I had alcohol in my blood,” said Latas, a member of parliament for the conservative opposition Law and Justice Party.

Of course since I’m writing about this, you know he had a pretty interesting excuse for his intoxication.

He ate an apple.

A couple apples in fact. That was his excuse and his defense. The politician denies having any alcohol earlier in the day.

Can apples make a diabetic person seem drunk?

Does an apple a day keep the DWI check away?

Here’s the kicker. My first thought was this guy is full of cider. Turns out a diabetic can give a false positive.

The reason is a breathalyzer doesn’t really detect alcohol. The breathalyzer detects any molecules in the methyl group. If there is a large amount detected, the assumption is the breathalyzer is detecting alcohol (ethanol).

Another chemical which shows as a positive is acetone. It’s not too common to have acetones on your breath, unless you have ketoacidosis. According to wikipedia, “ketoacidosis is a type of metabolic acidosis which is caused by high concentrations of ketone bodies”. Ketoacidosis makes your breath smell like fruit or nail polish remover. Why is this important? Ketoacidosis is a known symptom of hypoglycemia, or low blood sugar. This is the tie to diabetes.
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Hypoglycemia is common for people with diabetes. Someone who is hypoglycemic will appear to be shaky, nervous, sweaty, dizzy, confused, anxious, and will have difficulty speaking. Sound familiar? These also happen to be the symptoms of a drunk at a DWI checkpoint. This was demonstrated in Diabetes, Breath Acetone and Breathalyzer Accuracy: A Case Study, 9(1) Alcohol, Drugs and Driving (1993).

The only question is, could several apples trigger hypoglycemia in the Polish politician? Apples typically are ok because the carbohydrates in apples are digested more slowly than other fruits. Enough apples could cause a sharp blood sugar crash later in the day however. His story is plausable.

There is one other substance which can trigger hypoglycemia. Alcohol.

The breathalyzer can be inaccurate and give false positives. It also catches many real drunks. Only a blood test will be able to say for sure.

Tough call for the judge.

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Sergeant Sloshed

DJ Spiess — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 01:45:58 +0000

An 18-year-old drunk British soldier stationed at Camp Hohne in Germany decided to go for a 4 am joyride after his night of binge drinking. The soldier chose a “safe” ride, at least safe for him. His vehicle of choice was a tank. Two tanks in fact.

His vehicle wasn’t a full tank; it was a Scimitar which is an armored reconnaissance vehicle (or light tank). The soldier jumped into one tank, drove it around a bit, but got the tank stuck. Once stuck the soldier must have decided “hey, I know where I can get another one”. He returned to the camp and stole a second tank.

Well I guess this is a safe choice for the driver if he's going to drunk drive. He still crashed two of them.

The soldier attempted to drive the tank to Bergen, Germany. I can only imagine the fun he could have with a tank in city limits. A few years back, I saw a great video on the nightly news of a rouge tank driving through a San Diego suburb (and I mean THROUGH)! On the way the drunken soldier ran one car off the road, ran a military police vehicle off the road, and then lost control of the tank crashing it into a tree. Apparently the Scimitar is not powerful enough to run over a tree. The soldier was arrested.

“We all got the giggles when we read this,” British Army spokesperson Helga Heine told The Local. “But stealing a vehicle is a serious offense it will be dealt with accordingly.” I see the brig and a possible court martial in the soldier’s future. When he gets out, he’ll have a very humorous “what I did when I got drunk” story!

(Source: The Local)

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Beer pong player unleashes lethal shotgun attack on furniture

DJ Spiess — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 16:03:19 +0000

A college sophomore in Boulder shot a bed with a shotgun after playing beer pong. Alex Grayson, 20, walked into a bedroom at a house party, found the shotgun, and for some inexplicable reason he shot the bed.

While Grayson claims the furniture-cide was accidental, police say the sophomore faces possible charges of reckless endangerment and prohibited use of a weapon. The gun owner was also subjected to a stern talking to by the police, since leaving loaded weapons lying around during house parties is not a great idea.

Here’s what I find interesting about this random story. The headline for the story was “Police: Student shoots bed after beer pong game”. The story is exactly the same if you eliminate “beer pong”. What does this story have to do with beer pong?! If you answered nothing, you are correct.

Beer pong can be serious business, but why shoot a couch?

The fact the person played beer pong before unleashing a single shot fury of tiny beads of lead on the unsuspecting bed really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even mention alcohol as a factor, but I’m assuming he was at least a bit buzzed. Still the story sounds more scandalous if he’s playing the evil beer game, and the media knows it (I know it too!!).

Personally I think beer pong gets a bad rap. I wonder how soon until we get the “beer pong” ruined my life stories.

(Source: 9news.com)

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The great beer granny panty heist

DJ Spiess — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 14:06:01 +0000

Graham J. Nickerson, 27, pleaded guilty for entering the home of a senior citizen and stealing a pair of her Depends underwear. To say alcohol may have been a factor in the heist is an understatement.

I'm not sure he would have been better off going for a pair like these

Nickerson was returning from a party and got lost in the woods. Not only did he get lost, he lost his pants. At least he didn’t get stuck in a chimney. While traveling over the river and through the woods, he stumbled upon a house. Not his gramdma’s house, but probably someone’s grandmother’s house.

The home belonged to a 92 year old woman. He walked in, stole a pair of her underwear, put them on and then passed out on the floor. Not only will he have to pay a $250 fine and abstain from alcohol for a year (probably a good thing), he will have to live with the fact he was found by police drunk, passed out, and wearing granny’s Depends™ underwear.

The best part was his reply when the judge asked Nickerson how this made him feel. His reply was inaudible.

(Source: EdmontonSun.com)

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Drunk man sucks ash v3.0

DJ Spiess — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:16:40 +0000

When this happened in September 2007, I thought–wow this is so crazy, it would never happen again, so I should write about it. Then defying all odds, it happened a second time in August 2008. Now it’s February 2009 and guess what happened? A drunk man was found stuck in a chimney for a third time. The trifecta is complete!

Yet another man lucky the fire wasn't on!

In Burlington, Vermont, police and fire fighters rescued an unidentified man stuck in a chimney. The man had been screaming for help for hours before police arrived. Rescuers could not pull the man out of his ash prison, so they were forced to dissemble the chimney one brick at a time until they could free him.

Here’s where the story gets weird. The man obviously was drinking. He did not need to volunteer this information for us to know he was drinking. Sober men do not get stuck in chimneys during the wee hours of the morning. The man claims he was drinking with his brother and he has no clue how he got into the chimney. He didn’t even know how he got on the roof. Yeah, no kidding alcohol was involved.

The question left unanswered is where did his brother go? He was stuck in there for hours. You’d think his brother might sober up enough to find some help.

The man was taken to the hospital to treat his injuries, but his next stop might be jail. His story seems a bit shaky. You don’t just fall into chimneys and not remember how you got there. And your brother isn’t likely to leave you stuck without getting help (unless of course, he is a jerk).

My guess is the drunk men decided to attempt to break into a building, got stuck and his buddy took off after he couldn’t get him out. Of course this is speculation, but if the police figure out what he was doing in there, he may find himself in prison getting stuck with a different type of ash pipe.

(Source: wptx.com )

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Beer Air

DJ Spiess — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:14:57 +0000

Flying for many is very scary. Just a few weeks ago a plane in Denver, Continental Airlines flight 1404, crashed while taking off. None of the 107 passengers were killed, but 38 were injured and the other 69 required a change of underwear. That’s pretty scary, but imagine being on an airplane filled with Irish drunks!

A re-enactment of what might have happened if he got the door open.

That’s exactly what happened on a Thomas Cook flight from London Gatwick to Cuba. Forty revelers ran amok on the plane, their children hit other passengers, and one drunk tried to exit the plane mid flight. I hope the drunk was a good swimmer, because there isn’t much land when you’re flying between two islands on opposite sides of the planet. One woman was so frightened, she hid in the galley with the crew for five hours.

Thomas Cook is a British airline, and in true British form the airline is looking into possibly pressing charges. The British are so polite. If this happened on an American plane, the passengers would have landed in Gitmo (Guantanamo Bay) for some sobering up and serious felony charges.

The drunken group caused more trouble in Cuba at their all-inclusive hotel in the resort of Playa Pesquero. Seventeen of the drunks were refused reboarding on their return trip. No clue why they all weren’t given permanent Cuban citizenship. The remaining 23 caused trouble on the flight back.

(Source: MailOnline.co.uk)

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Sydney is a mean drunk

DJ Spiess — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 22:20:54 +0000

You often hear about the random story about someone smashing a bottle over someone else’s head in a bar fight. I guess we can thank John Wayne Westerns for this. In Australia, there is a significant rise in “glassings”.

There's a gene that makes some drunks angry drunks

I never saw this behavior while drinking with other Australians in the United States, but apparently they are very mean drunks down under. One of the most popular stories on Fermentarium last year was about a mean drunk Australian girl who didn’t like kiwis. This time it’s all-out bar fights. Smashing bottles and glasses into other patrons, by men and women, is so out of control in New South Wales the government is stepping in.

The New South Wales government will no longer allow pubs to apply for 24-hour liquor licenses, last call will be enforced after 2 am, and after midnight drinks will be served in plastic cups. If you want to face someone with a bottle, you’ll have to do it before 12:00 am.

The violence in New South Wales has risen 7% annually, and recorded 21,000 incidents of alcohol-related violence in the past year. There are only 4 million people in Sydney (6 million in New South Wales), so 21,000 is a pretty high number.

(Source: reuters.com)

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Zwei Maß for the road

DJ Spiess — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 22:27:25 +0000

Günther Beckstein came under fire from many groups after he suggested Oktoberfest partiers can drive home after drinking two Maß of beer. One Maß of beer is one liter, so for those of you counting along at home, he’s suggesting 2 liters of beer is ok for your drive home.

Local police suggested he might have had two before making the statement. To be fair, he said two Maß over the course of six or seven hours.

“If one drinks two Maß in six or seven hours at Oktoberfest, it’s possible,” Beckstein told German broadcaster Bayerischen Rundfunk (bring on the funk!), referring to the gigantic one-litre mugs used at the beer festival. “But naturally not if one drinks two Maß in two hours.”

A Maß is the largest glass to the right, and it holds one liter of beer.

Two liters is about 67 ounces, 4 pints, or 5 1/2 beers in the can. Two Maß in 1 hour will give you a blood alcohol content (BAC) of 0.1327, but in 6 hours your BAC is 0.0577. While this is below the limit in the United States, you could be arrested as impaired in Germany. Since 1998, a BAC of 0.05 is driving impaired in Germany, and 0.11 is a criminal offense.

Luckily, according to German police, 99% of Oktoberfest partiers use public transportation.

(Source: TheLocal.de)

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8 drunk driving lessons we can learn from beer nuts

DJ Spiess — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 20:44:58 +0000

Keep your clothes on when caught

Take Holly Kay Highfield from Jacksonville, Florida for example. She was driving drunk in a Honda filled with children, deliberately tried to crash her car into a cyclist, carjacked another car after the crash with the bicycle, and then crashed the stolen car into her Honda. At this point you can assume she’s in a ton of trouble. So what does she do at this point? She starts taking her clothes off. Taking your clothes off at the scene of the crime will not help you, nor will it get you out of a DWI. So if you’re pulled over, keep your clothes on.

(Source: First Coast News)

Do not attract attention to yourself while driving

Gail Powell from the UK learned the importance of not being seen while driving drunk. She was seen swerving in traffic with her broken leg in a cast hanging out the driver’s side window. Her blood alcohol content was 1.5 times the legal limit, so you could say the woman was plastered. A police car driving in the opposite direction noticed the woman and her leg, and pulled her over for a DWI.

(Source: Metro.co.uk)

The best way to avoid becoming like these drunks, is just don't drink and drive

Don’t attempt to erase your high BAC with wite-out

Juan Briceno, 33, of Omaha, Nebraska was busted for his fourth DUI/DWI. He was in the police station with a blood alcohol content of .287 percent, so you could say the evidence was stacked against him. No matter how bad your DUI situation is, drinking Wite-Out the correction fluid for typing errors will not erase the high BAC. The police officers administered a blood test instead of the breathalyzer.

(Source: LiveLeak.com)

Don’t drive school buses into poles

He’s Otto and he’s blotto. Ok his name isn’t Otto, but his actions will not win him any babysitter of the year awards. When driving drunk, driving a school bus filled with children is not going to help your case. Even worse, drunk driving a school bus of children into a pole will not get you any leniency.

(Source: ksl.com )

Alternate modes of transportation will not avoid a DWI

When you are drunk, driving something other than a car is still drunk driving. Police from Queensland, Australia arrested a 64-year-old man for drunk driving his wheelchair. The man was found passed out in the turning lane of a highway.
(Source: News.com.au)

Make sure your designated driver is of driving age

Holly L. Schnobrich, 24, of Lafayette, Indiana was drunk and needed a designated driver. Does she call a friend, her mom, or even a taxi? Nope. Her choice of driver, her 5-year-old son, landed her in jail for public intoxication and child endangerment. Choosing an underage driver will not prevent you from running afoul with the law, and you certainly will not win mother-of-the-year awards.

(Source: IndyStar)

Don’t ask a drunk friend to help you

A man crashed his pickup into a parked car and had troubles freeing his truck from the car. His drunk friend helped him separate his truck from the car and attempted to drive him home. Since his friend was drunk too, he crashed the pickup truck into another parked car on the same street. Both men were charged with DUIs.

(Source: LoHud.com)

Don’t try to outrun the cops

If you are busted for a DUI, just accept the situation and don’t make it worse like Stephen Ray Castor, 53. Like all ideas when drunk, Castor’s idea of escape from the law was failed from the start. Castor was driving a lawn mower (see Alternate modes of transportation will not avoid a DWI above). He led the police on a 3 mph “high speed” chase before a police office grabbed him.

(Source: KomoNews.com)

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Second drunk man sucks ash

DJ Spiess — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:23:18 +0000

He was trying to rob Santa's Headquarters by entering through the chimney. Really?

Yes it happened again! Almost 10 months after the Munich incident , I am again writing about a drunk person stuck in a chimney! Not only is this another story about a drunk stuck in a chimney, this is another story about a naked drunk stuck in a chimney. Richard Kline, 48, was rescued by police and emergency workers from a chimney in Warren, Ohio naked.

Kline was released from jail earlier in the day for attempted breaking and entering. Naturally the best thing to do under such circumstances is to get stinking drunk and break into another building. Police say he was looking for a place to sleep, so he decided to enter the building by sliding down a chimney Santa-style. The story gets better.

The building in question was a log cabin used as Santa’s Headquarters.

There is no word why he was naked. It could be he took off his clothes in an attempt to get free like the previous drunk . It could also be he likes to sleep in the nude.

(Source: MyFox Cleveland)

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10 drunkest people ever

DJ Spiess — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 20:33:20 +0000

Here is a list of some of the drunkest people on the planet. It is surprising half of the record holders here are female! Even more surprising, if not really sad, is all of these drunks except one were found driving while intoxicated. They are lucky to be alive in several ways.

When your blood alcohol level is 0.500% or higher, you’re considered dead. 0.500% is the lethal limit (not legal). Most people die when their blood alcohol levels reach these insane limits. To get your BAC levels over 0.400%, you need to drink over sixteen 12 ounce Budweiser beers in one hour. Keep this in mind when you read these next few drunks .

You really need to drink hard to get as drunk as these people

The Bulgarian miracle (0.914% BAC)

An unidentified 67-year-old man was brought to a hospital after getting hit by a car. In fact this is the only drunk we found who wasn’t trying to drive! When doctors tested his BAC, they thought something was wrong with their instruments. After 5 separate lab tests, doctors finally confirmed the ridiculously high blood alcohol content. The man was able to speak/slur to the doctors. I normally wouldn’t consider him without a name, but 5 tests and multiple news sources reporting this lead me to believe this story is true.

(Source: CBC.CA)

The breakfast drunk (0.720% BAC)

Terri Comer, 42, luckily drove her car into a snow bank in Oregon. Police found her slumped at the wheel at 11:30 AM. That’s in the morning – almost noon. Either she starts early, or she was coming home from one hell of a party the night before! Police had to break her car window to retrieve her and take her to a hospital.

(Source: The Smoking Gun)

The beer hunter (0.690% BAC)

Willard Ashley III, 32, was found sitting in his car. He claimed he was hunting and waiting for a friend to call a tow truck, but it was clear the car was wrecked not stalled. He was arrested for public intoxication in Indiana. I’m assuming he didn’t get a DUI since the car was not running at the time of arrest. His “hunting buddy” did show up a bit later, drunk as well.

(Source: The Smoking Gun)

Hanging at the pizza joint (0.550% BAC)

Meagan Harper, 30, was found by police outside a pizza joint passed out in her car. The Oregon woman’s story is kinda lame, but the blood alcohol content in her system is impressive.

(Source: The Smoking Gun)

Blasted but not belted (0.532% BAC)

Cloyd Joseph Dull, 49, was found passed out at the wheel of his 1989 Plymouth. Not only was he charged for drinking and driving at a ridiculously high blood alcohol level, he also got charged with not wearing a seat belt.

(Source: The Smoking Gun)

Tacoma County record holder (0.500% BAC)

Rebecca G. Lingbloom, 45, was seen swerving all over the road and almost ran over a pedestrian. The Washington state woman scored a 0.500 two hours after being arrested. I’m guessing she was at 0.530 at the time of arrest assuming normal metabolism rates.

(Source: Boston.com)

Stanley, Destroyer of Billboards (0.491% BAC)

Stanley Kobierwoski, 34, drove his car into a highway billboard when police arrested him. He had troubles getting out of the car (I’d have troubles moving at that BAC), and then refused to leave his car. Cops had to carry him away.

(Source: SF Gate)

How many drinks do you need to consume to get your BAC this high?!?

The ex-cop (0.470% BAC)

Deana Jarrett, 54, was driving and hit two cars before police caught up with her. She hit a Volkswagen, tried to convince the other driver to not call the cops, and then she drove away into a second collision – this time with a Lexus SUV. She was an ex Seattle police officer. It’s interesting she was arrested, booked, and then released four hours later. You’d think with a BAC so high they would take her to the hospital first.

(Source: Associated Content)

The Queensland record holder for women (0.446% BAC)

Toni Apperton of Queensland, Australia, was found unconscious at the wheel of her car. She has the current record for Queensland for women. This implies there is at least one man in Queensland who has equaled or surpassed her feat.

(Source: ABC News AU)

The lawnmower man (0.441% BAC)

Jerold Earhart, 29, drove home drunk on a lawnmower. Ironically this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of this. He drove in circles in an intersection, passed out at the wheel, and then was thrown from the mower. The mower continued into a tree where witnesses turned off the mower.

(Source: MLive.com)

If you find a drunk that tops 0.441%, let me know and I’ll add them to the list.

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Venom vodka bites man in ass

DJ Spiess — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 01:25:32 +0000

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (TABC) busted Bayou Bob’s Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch in Palo Pinto County for producing illegal vodka. They’re lucky the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) didn’t catch him first.

Now I’m all for beverages with an extra bite, however this drink is going to extremes. Bayou Bob’s was busted will 411 bottles of vodka infused with 10-inch rattlesnakes.

You read that right. 10-inch rattlesnakes.

There is nothing to vodka infused with rattlesnake. It's just animal cruelty

Bayou Bob claims on his website to be one of America’s foremost herpetologists with over 35 years of experience. I know many famous herpetologists, and I’ve never heard of him. I seriously doubt a reputable herpetologist would infuse snakes in vodka. The first question about snakes that he answers on his website is “How do I skin, tan, and cook a snake, or what can I do with a dead snake?” He’s quite the snake lover.

The FAQ on his site also states “If you do not have an economic or food purpose for the snake, then let it be!” Well apparently Bayou Bob found an economic purpose for his rattlesnakes. The alcoholic beverage is considered an aphrodisiac in Asia (along with everything else weird), and some people believe that the venom causes hallucinations.

This “animal lover” was famous last year for sending a few turtles over to Asia, a few meaning 42,000 turtles. The turtles are considered a delicacy in Asia. The turtle trade was closed down after Texas wildlife officials created heavier restrictions.

The next economic opportunity was naturally the rattlesnake hooch. I’m still confused why he bothered making his own vodka. Despite how you might feel about the snakes, his crime is manufacturing alcohol for sale without a permit. If he just infused the snakes with store-bought vodka and got a license, he might be ok. Since he made his own vodka, he’s just another dumb beer (vodka) nut.

(Source: Star-Telegram.com )

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Matthew McConaughey is naming his kid what?!?

DJ Spiess — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 22:36:49 +0000

I’ve heard some interesting child names from Hollywood types. Frank Zappa has Dweezil, Ahmet Rodan and Diva. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore named theirs Rumer and Scout. Matthew McConaughey is taking it one step further. He wants to be like his older brother and name his child after his favorite beverage, beer. Some celebrities make Beer Nuts! articles too easy.

You're naming your kid what?!?

Now this might be cool if you were naming your daughter Chimay or maybe your son Duvel (it appropriately means “devil”). Unfortunately for Matthew McConaughey’s child-to-be, Mr. McConaughey’s beer tastes do not run that high. He’s thinking of the name “Budweiser”. Does kid naming based on poor beer tastes count as child abuse?

Before you say “he’s not serious” (like we did), remember his older brother Michael “Rooster” McConaughey named his son “Miller Lyte”. I guess the children are lucky their beer tastes aren’t worse. They could be named “Keystone”, “Generic” or “The Beast”.

Luckily for the children, the mother-to-be Camila Alves, will have no part in this. She hates the name, and most likely does not have the same love for the beer either. I’m siding with Camila on this one.

Source: stuff.co.nz

UPDATE: The child was eventually named Levi Alves. Apparently Camila won.

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Drunk Driver Delivery

DJ Spiess — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 20:56:55 +0000

A 28-year-old man in Wetaskiwin, Alberta (Canada eh?) was driving while drunk. He did have enough sense about him to pull off the road, and turn off his car. He then stumbled into a building displaying obvious signs of intoxication to the people inside. Unfortunately for this beer nut, the building he walked into was a police station.

We’re not sure if the man walked into the building by accident, or recognized his own guilt and turned himself in. If it was an accident, he’s the dumbest drunk ever. If he knew where he was, we have to applaud him.

Of course he could have avoided the whole incident and not drive in the first place. For his troubles, the man was arrested and taken into custody.

Conscientious and intoxicated, or dumbass drunk? You decide!

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The B&B Bear Brew-haha

DJ Spiess — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 20:48:16 +0000

Daniel Pement had issues with the patrons of the B&B bar. Does he move on to another bar? Start a bar fight? Smash a bottle? No, Daniel Pement is from Kodiak, Alaska and today’s beer nut. Pement took action with bear spray.

Yes, you read that right. Mr. Pement allegedly sprayed the B&B patrons Saturday night with bear spray. Only one can guess why you would be carrying bear spray in a bar in Alaska. Maybe this is normal. Police responded to the incident, confiscated the bear spray, and then released Mr. Pement in order to respond to a more urgent call.

Now Pement is not the kind of man who can spray and let go. No, Mr. Pement went back to the B&B bar Sunday night armed with (you guessed it) more bear spray. He sprayed them again.

Bear spray is something like pepper spray, but stronger. Mr. Pement was charged with six counts of misdemeanor assault, because he barely hurt them.

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The six-pack vigilante

DJ Spiess — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 20:36:09 +0000

James Bridges, 46, walked into a Jackson’s food store for easy money. He took the money from the register behind the counter and attempted to walk out with it. One witness to the crime was just there for some beer. Unfortunately for James Bridges, the man was Lt. Dave Dietz, a corrections officer from the local state pen.

Lt. Dietz was packing, as in “six-packing”. When Bridges stopped paying attention to the off-duty corrections officer, Lt. Dietz smacked Bridges on the head with the beer. (Is this considered beer with too much head?)

Well since I won't drink it, it might actually make a good weapon!

Dietz and another store patron tackled Bridges after the brew smackdown, and waited for the police to arrive. The beer vigilante was hailed a hero, but he doesn’t think so.

“Ya, I don’t think hero. I just hit the guy over the head with a six-pack of beer,” said Dietz. James Bridges, a career felon, is looking at a long time in prison quite possibly with the man who put him behind bars.

Sadly all six beers perished in the attack.

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Why don’t they ever steal Fat Tire?

DJ Spiess — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:23:53 +0000

Francis E. Dougherty, 45, is yet another thief with questionable taste. He walked into a store, and walked out with a 4 pack of Milwaukee’s Best (known as The Beast through college, although one doubts Mr. Dougherty’s liking of it comes from higher education) tucked under his jacket. Mr. Dougherty, apparently not aware that this was insufficiently sneaky, will never be known for his stealth. The clerk saw him and called the cops.

At this point you are probably wondering what’s the big deal? He’s just another beer thief in Florida. Well Mr. Dougherty went home, drank his purloined beer, and returned to the same store for more beer. Apparently the beer was so good, this time he tried to buy it – another four pack of Milwaukee’s Best.

Then for some bizarre reason he noticed that the clerk was on the phone with the police department, so he inexplicably left his address and headed home with more beer. Weird, huh? He was later arrested for stealing the first four pack. What was the total value of goods stolen? A grand total of $2.49, proving once again that beer thieves have zero taste in beer.

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The John Deere “Wine Run”

DJ Spiess — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 19:30:52 +0000

49-year-old Frank Kozumplik was drunk, thirsty for more, and out of booze. His wife had the car, and poor Frank was two miles from the nearest package store. To make matters worse for Frank, he lives in Michigan, it is January, and there is a snowstorm. At this point, most people would quit for the night and call it bad luck. Not Frank however.

Another idea that sounds probably sounded better drunk, Frank fired up his John Deere mower and headed to town. When police eventually caught up with him (possibly on foot) he was toting 4 recently purchased bottles of wine and headed home.

Police arrested him and his blood alcohol content tested 2 ½ times the legal limit for Michigan. The ultimate irony is that his beverage of choice was wine. He had two before his excursion, and the four he purchased at the store were all wine. We never pictured the John Deere mower crowd as winos. We always thought the mower crowd was more of a domestic beer group. Frank is officially our first wino beer nut!

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Ear’s drinking to you!

DJ Spiess — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 16:31:36 +0000

Since this is a beer nuts article, you already know that the police were involved and the man most likely didn’t get the beer.

When the police arrived to this backyard disturbance they found two men holding down Robert Lee Shugars (can you guess he’s from the south with a name like that?). Shugars wanted a beer, and the two men had refused. Since he couldn’t have a beer, he decided to take something else in true Michael Tyson form.

What beer style goes with ear?

The police report stated “The victim had severe injuries to the left side of his head, which was the result of the offender biting a large portion of his left ear off”. So no beer meant that Shugars was getting an ear. Doesn’t Chianti go better than beer with ear? The victim could not be reached later. He probably couldn’t hear the phone.

The ear could not be reattached. The most disturbing statement in this altercation came from the police. The police said that human bite injuries happen more than you think. If it happened more than this time and the fight with Tyson, they are right.

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The Beer Nuts of 2007

DJ Spiess — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:00:54 +0000

Megan Jane Conroy – Drunken Schoolgirl

This story was very popular with the Fermentarium community and the internet at large. Megan, 17, returned home to find her mom throwing a birthday party. Megan had also been partying that night before returning home. She took exception to one of the patrons of her mom’s party, because he was a “kiwi” (someone from New Zealand).

Being born in New Zealand was only this man’s first crime. His next crime helped land Megan into Fermentarium’s Beer Nuts hall of fame. He mispronounced her name. His crime caused this drunken schoolgirl to go into a fit of rage and to kick the kiwi “in his kiwis” – three times. Ouch.

When we first posted this story, we thought it was humorous. Somehow we pictured her yelling “say my name biatch!!” just like the girl in American Pie while kicking him. The world thought the story was even funnier. We received searches and hits on this story for many months afterward. This story was so popular that it received more hits than all but six of the stories on Fermentarium for 2007. We still get hits on this story.

Bare man eaten by bears at beer festival

This was our second most popular Beer Nuts story, even though it received less than half the hits of Megan Jane Conroy. This man’s moment of internet fame not only landed in our Beer Nuts section, it also landed him a Darwin Award.

After partying at a nearby beer festival, a 23 year old Serbian man took off all his clothes, folded them into a corner of a bear cage and tried to cuddle up with the bear. The bare man was then attacked by the bear. We’re guessing the bare man barely knew where he was, before climbing in the bear cage.

Doughnuts in the Park

The third most popular Beer Nuts story was a girl who was arrested for driving drunk. What made the story slightly funnier was that she was driving in the middle of the park doing doughnuts. However it was her picture that really made the story. She just looked so gosh darn happy in her mug shot.

Notable mentions

Here are the other articles that didn’t make our top three, but were still popular:
Naked Male Hula Dancer Steals Beer
Couple takes beer from store after hours: Jailarity ensues
München “Wiesn”‘s Up To Paris [Hilton]

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Yet another beer heist!

DJ Spiess — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 15:55:16 +0000

Are these trucks really that easy to steal? Hmm....

Why is it so easy to steal beer in large trucks? We’ve had two heists reported in Canada and one in Ireland .

This week’s beer heist occurred in Albany, New York. Thieves with no discriminating beer taste stole 2,300 cases of Miller Lite, Milwalkee’s Best (beast), and Schlitz beer stored in a trailer truck. The trailer truck was stolen with the beer.

The theft of beer may have gone unnoticed for almost a week; Dougherty County Police believe that the theft occurred sometime between December 21st and December 27th. Given the types of beer stolen and the fact that universities are on break, we’re surprised that someone noticed that quickly!

The 2004 Hyundai trailer is white with “Braco” and “BTI” written on the sides and back in green letters. The Tennessee tag number is HT 661739. If you have information on the missing beer and trailer, the Dougherty County Police would love to hear from you at 229-430-6600.

Again, Bob and Doug McKenzie were unavailable for comment.

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Two on one robbery nets zero beers

DJ Spiess — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 03:32:12 +0000

Two men in Bakersfield, California tried to steal beer from a Fastrip convenience store. Again we have to ask, is there any beer at a convenience store that is worth stealing??

Not only did they not get the beer, the clerk physically held one of the men to the ground. The robbery ended in a stalemate after the second man pulled out a knife and demanded the clerk release his buddy.

The two men then escaped the store (and further humiliation) in a waiting car. A witness followed the two sad burglars to their residence, and called the police.

The police raided the home with a K-9 (dog) unit. The dog attacked a 14 year old boy who was not connected with the lame robbery attempt. The boy was treated for minor wounds, while the two men were arrested.

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The Not-so Great Beer Heist of San Antonio

DJ Spiess — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 03:27:39 +0000

In San Antonio, Texas, four would-be master thieves suspected of stealing beer were foiled after their get-away car crashed into a police cruiser.

They stole three 18-packs of beer and four cases of iced-tea. Since there are no good beers that come in 18-packs, we assume that their beer taste was surpassed only by their criminal acumen.

As the police officer arrived on scene, the beer heist went afoul when they backed up into the SAPD cruiser.

Three men were arrested, while a fourth somehow managed to avoid capture.

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Man doesn’t get beer, gets goat

DJ Spiess — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 22:36:04 +0000

A Wisconsin man Peter W. Mischler, 48, wanted more beer. He told his wife over the phone that if she didn’t return from the grocery store with beer, he would get her goats. She was already on her way home, so she refused.

Since this is a Beer Nuts! story, you know what happened next. Four gunshots later (apparently he was already seeing double) police were summoned to his home.

“He shot both of them. He killed Flash, and the officer had to kill Chloe,” the daughter, Megan Mischler, said in a phone interview Wednesday. “I really don’t understand why he shot them — they didn’t deserve it.” She added that the father was really upset about a mess the goats made earlier, not the beer. The family was very upset about the goats, because they were more like family dogs to the family. The goats had been with the family since they were kids.

Mr. Mischler was charged with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon.

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Homebrew for two turns ugly

DJ Spiess — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 17:14:46 +0000

Two men drinking home brew in Noorvik, Alaska (where the f&*$ is that?!?!) got in an altercation. Since it was in Alaska, naturally a chainsaw and fire extinguisher were involved. The police responded to the report of assault at 7:40 in the morning. That’s about sunset and happy hour in Alaska, right?

The two men got into a fight after drinking, and one broke the other’s foot. Not satisfied with just the broken foot, the man with the advantage also hit the injured man with a chainsaw and a fire extinguisher. The injured man crawled to a neighboring home for help.

The attacker, Ronald Barr, 48, was charged with two counts of first-degree assault and one count each of second, third and fourth-degree assault. We didn’t know there were that many “assaults”.

Barr was also charged with manufacturing an alcoholic beverage. Didn’t Jimmy Carter make this legal in the 70s? Maybe the news hasn’t reached Alaska yet?

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Wear nice pants and wax!

DJ Spiess — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:43:46 +0000

Make sure you're wearing nice underware when you pass out!

If you are female and you like to drink a bit much, the police have a message for you. Wear nice pants and wax. In an effort to get a message out about responsible drinking, police want to warn you that you might show more than you intended. If you are not wearing nice underwear and sporting a fresh wax, the image might not be pretty.

“For those of you intent on getting ratted (drunk) this weekend, think,” reads Safe! magazine. The article was accompanied by pictures of a scantily-clad woman collapsed on the floor flashing her underwear.

“If you fall over or pass out, remember your skirt or dress may ride up. You could show off more than you intended – for all our sakes, please make sure you’re wearing nice pants and that you’ve recently had a wax“.

The police insist that their point is tongue-in-cheek.

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World’s worst hangover

DJ Spiess — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:40:36 +0000

The world's worst hangover could happen to you!

Stop us if you’ve heard this one.

A man walks into a doctor’s office in Glasgow, Scotland complaining about a headache; a headache he’s had for four weeks straight.

At first the doctors were stumped. He had no history of head problems before, no recent trauma to the head, and he wasn’t taking any medication. His blood pressure and brain scan both returned normal results. Finally someone called in a eye specialist.

The ophthalmologist found that he had swollen optical disks, greatly enlarged blind spots and what eye doctors call “flame hemorrhages”, or bleeding nerve fibers. After more questioning, the patient finally remembered to mention the 60 pints of beer (35 liters) he had over a four day period. Binge drinking causes headaches, who knew? Severe dehydration caused by the alcohol, the doctors surmised, had led to a rare condition called cerebral venous sinus thrombosis (CVST). We are still calling it a hangover.

It took over six months of blood thinning medication (isn’t that what alcohol does anyway??) to restore the man’s vision, and relieve the headache.

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Drunk man sucks ash

DJ Spiess — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 21:26:32 +0000

A German party-goer was found stuck in a chimney after 12 hours. The 27-year old man had been drinking heavily at Oktoberfest

Hypothermia really was the better option for this guy

(of course) and was trying to find a friend’s apartment. When he found that his friend was not home, he tried the roof. Once again, all ideas sound much better when you are drunk.

While walking towards what he thought was a gap between two houses, he slid head first 30 meters (98 feet to those of us on this side of the pond) into a chimney. He tried climbing out, but found himself stuck. He did manage to turn around after removing his clothes. Still he was stuck, now naked, and sucking ash.

Twelve hours later the man’s cries were heard, and rescuers knocked a hole in the chimney. He was taken to the hospital and treated for hypothermia, which really is the better option when you are stuck over a place built for fire.

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München “Wiesn”‘s Up To Paris

DJ Spiess — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 21:22:47 +0000

Paris Hilton is not welcome at Oktoberfest. Her presence offended the locals of München so much last year, that they did not want the store-bought celebrity to cheapen this year’s festivities.

Paris Hilton angers yet another country!

Last year she showed up in a Dindrl, the traditional Bavarian dress, to promote a canned wine. The locals were so offended by it they passed a law stating that celebrities cannot promote products at Oktoberfest. Munich tourism chief Gabriele Weishaeupl also announced that celebrity promotions this year “are completely prohibited by the new festival rules”.

Paris is also banned from returning to the annual event. Can we do that in the USA?

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Cops don’t like these doughnuts

DJ Spiess — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 21:12:38 +0000

Danielle Joleen Brown, 21, of Des Moines was arrested September 5th for driving while intoxicated, assault on a police officer, interference with official acts and reckless driving. She was stopped while driving circles on the grass.

She's just so gosh-darn-happy to be arrested!

She slipped out of her handcuffs while being transported, so the police had to remove her from the squad car. Officers said she was uncooperative, easily distracted, happy and laughing as seen in her happy mug shot, then angry the next. At one point she tried to grab an officer’s groin with an open hand (most likely not in a friendly “Senator Craig” sort of way and more of an angry Megan Jane Conroy sort of way!).

She tested over three times the legal limit. She makes our Beer Nuts! section because she is just so gosh darn happy in her mug shot!

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Drunk school girl kicks Kiwi in the kiwis

DJ Spiess — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 20:50:16 +0000

Megan Jane Conroy, a 17 year old Australian school girl returned to her home in Sandstone Point north of Brisbane to find her mom and several of her friends celebrating a birthday party. She asked one guest if he was a “kiwi”, a word used to describe people from New Zealand. When the 40 year old man answered yes, she told him to “get f***ed”. Apparently she doesn’t like “kiwis”.

She then was offended by the “kiwi” when he pronounced her name incorrectly. He said “Meagan” instead of “Megan”. She punished him with a knee to the groin and demanded that he say it correctly. It isn’t clear if the man attempted to correctly pronounce her name or simply whimpered while gasping for air, but she pushed him up against a wall and kneed him again. The drunk school girl was pulled from the man while she tried to kick him for a third time.

The man was treated for severe bruising and tenderness to his testicles, pride. The court was told that the girl was drunk at the time, and the behavior was out of character.

She pleaded guilty and was released on a $200, six-month good behavior bond. No conviction was recorded.

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Naked Male Hula Dancer Steals Beer

DJ Spiess — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 20:26:03 +0000

We’ve heard of the topless bandits where women rob banks topless to distract people from looking at their faces, but this story has to top that! Three men in DeSoto, Missouri (the “show-me” state) were looking to knock back a few cold ones. Their problem… they had no cash. They were not going to let this deter them, so a plan was concocted. We’re assuming the plan was formulated while drunk, because everything sounds like a better idea when drunk.

Their plan was simple. One would act as the distraction, one would steal the beer, and the third would man the get-away car. Sounds good so far, right? Their distraction, you ask? The distraction would be one guy wearing a mask and nothing else performing a hula dance for the woman behind the register. Beer nuts anyone? Apparently the distraction “came up short” because the clerk was not impressed. She called the cops and jotted down the license plate number. The security camera caught the heist “in all it’s glory” on tape. The three men, ranging in age from 19 to 23, were arrested a few days later, and face theft and indecency charges.

Let’s hope they took something better than Natural Light for their troubles!

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Couple takes beer from store after hours: Jailarity ensues

DJ Spiess — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 20:36:48 +0000

A couple in Port St. Lucie decided to go for a late night beer run. Unfortunately for Jason Muni and Pamela Battilla, they arrived at the store at 2:15 am, 15 minutes later than last call in Florida. The store clerk informed them that they could not buy the 12-pack of Natural Light Ice in cans valued at $6.29.

Lack of taste and punctuality were not their only alleged crimes that night. Muni allegedly threw a fit and created a disturbance. He claimed that he could buy alcohol in Orlando until 5am (according to Florida law, Mickey Mouse stops serving at 2am as well). Still the clerk refused.

Muni eventually grabbed the beer, threw down $10 to the clerk, and said “‘don’t worry about it, (expletive),’” So not only did he take the cheapest beer available, he over paid for it.

He and his alleged accomplice left the scene with the beer, but not before the clerk took down his license plate number. It was easy work for the police to find the couple.

The police report states, “Battilla stated that she can’t believe that she was going to jail for ‘the cheapest beer made‘”. The report also stated “The beer will not be placed into evidence as it was consumed.”

Lesson learned, if you’re going to take beer, at least make it worth it!

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Bare man eaten by bears at beer festival

DJ Spiess — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 16:04:30 +0000

A 23 year old man, and possible Darwin Award nominee, was found dead in the bear cage at the Belgrade Zoo in Belgrade, Serbia. “There’s a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage,” zoo director Vuk Bojovic.

Since this happened over the weekend during the beer festival, authorities are assuming that the man was drunk or drugged when he entered the bear cage. The bare facts are that the man was completely bare in the bear cage. The man’s clothes were found intact inside the cage, so authorities think he undressed himself inside the cage. It is unclear why he decided to bare himself for the bears. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time after the beers.

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I’ll trade you a bomb for a beer

DJ Spiess — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 00:04:53 +0000

After multiple denied requests for a beer, the determined man told the flight attendant either he or the plane was going to get bombed.

He was taken into custody shortly after the plane landed. Apparently Communist Chinese planes don’t like bomb threats either.

He didn’t get the beer.

(Source: China Daily)

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