fermentarium » drunks

PSA: Don’t drink beer in a police car

DJ Spiess — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 16:20:33 +0000

Another drunk who is gosh darn happy to be arrested

Tasha Lee Cantrell’s, 19, friend had just been arrested in Fort Walton, FL. for a DUI, so she asked the arresting officer for a ride home. On the way to her house the officer heard a can crack open. You’re thinking “oh no she didn’t”, but oh yes she did.

Apparently she was so overcome with thirst, she decided to crack open a can of Steel Reserve (classy choice) right in the back seat of the squad car. The officer heard the can open, and noticed she was drinking something. He stopped the car, found the beer can, and arrested her. Not only was she rewarded with a quenched thirst, she also received an express ride straight to the police station for underage drinking. All of this was captured on the squad car video system. (will this be on the next episode of COPS: Ft. Walton?)

When Tasha was asked by the officer why she thought she could drink the beer in the back seat she replied, “I have no right answer for you.” I’m pretty sure the correct answer is “because I’m stupid”.

She was having a great time in her first mug shot, but it looks like the evening wore as she sobered up. It’s a great beer nut story, but I’m not sure the “guess how stupid I was the night I was arrested” story is really one she’ll want to tell her friends.

(Source: TheSmokingGun)

Drunks expecting deposit get withdrawl

DJ Spiess — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:02:03 +0000

Beware of beautiful women who are interested in you!

Three sexy women were arrested for scamming drunk men out of their money. The young women in their 20s targeted drunk men outside bars offering rides home or after hour parties. Once the man was lured into in the car, the sirens would slip their hands into the men’s pockets removing their cell phones, cash, and wallets.

The three women slipped their hands into the pants of more than 50 “victims” before the law caught up with them. The vicitms included lawyers and NYU professors. One drunk lost $5000 to the three women. There was no word on how many men were “repeat victims”.

The sexy sting worked like this. Tiffany Rasberry, 21, and Barbara Labady, 22, lured men into a car offering to take the man to an after hours party. One lawyer got into the car, and then needed to stop at an ATM machine on the way. The two girls watched him punch in his PIN, then when they got back into the car they ran their hands into his pockets removing his wallet. The third woman, Subhanna Beyah, 21, feigned illness. He stepped out of the car to let her out, and the car sped away with his wallet and PIN. Within thirty minutes the women had removed $1600 from his account.

The lawyer has apparently never seen X-Men 2 or he’d know Magneto’s famous line, “Never trust a beautiful woman, especially a beautiful woman who’s interested in you”. Luckily for him, he noticed his wallet missing and called the cops right away. The three vixens were arrested for multiple counts of grand larceny and possession of stolen property.

The women’s defense was “it was an alternative to turning tricks”.

(Source: New York Post)

Drunk and naked

DJ Spiess — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 05:27:08 +0000

Drunk and naked seems to be a theme. Usually these people are found robbing quickie stores or getting stuck in chimneys. Here are a few different naked drunks.

Not a burglar, just a drunk naked lady

Wearing white fishnet stockings and nothing else, Sherry “Cougar-in-training” McNeal, 47, repeatedly slammed herself into a Ridley Park, Philadelphia home. The neighbors heard the ruckus and thought she was trying to break into the house. Well technically she was trying to break in, because the door was locked.

A re-enactment of the naked "burglary"

The police arrived to arrest the naked burglar, only to discover she was a guest at the home. She didn’t know how she got outside, and she didn’t know why she was naked. Her equally inebriated host had no clue either. They were both cited for disorderly conduct and told to stay inside. No word if the police needed eye bleach after the incident, or if the President will invite her over to the White House for a beer.

(Source: philly.com)

I’m not sober, but I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night

An Australian man also wearing nothing down under, lost his way in a New Zealand hotel. Undaunted by being lost, he crashed in the first available hotel room he could find for a night’s rest. Unfortunately for him, the couple currently occupying the room had a problem with this.

While the intruder was passed out, the couple called for help. Actually the man phoned the hotel staff, while the woman hid in the bathroom. When the police arrived, the drunk man of course had no idea how he got naked or where his friends were. He was given a hotel robe and a ride home. No charges were filed against the man, because everyone involved had a good laugh over the incident. If this happened in the USA, he’d probably have to register as a sex offender.

(Source: Reuters.com)

Slippery when wet!

DJ Spiess — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:00:37 +0000

Any kid or adult who has experienced Wham-o’s Slip N’ Slide knows they are FUN! Personally I find them irresistible, so I can sympathize with this beer nut.

Forty-one year-old Margaret Bachop from La Crosse, Wisconsin, saw her five year-old neighbor enjoying his Slip N’ Slide. Can you blame her for wanting to join in the fun? She didn’t have a swimsuit available, so she did what any drunk with a 0.30 percent blood alcohol content would do. She stripped down to her underware (bra and thong) and attempted to join in the fun. A neighbor ran over to cover her with a bed sheet.

The drunk woman, who was under court order to abstain from alcohol, was arrested on her front porch. She was charged with disorderly conduct, and lewd and lascivious behavior. I can see the disorderly conduct and an additional charge for drinking while under court order to abstain, but the lewd behavior charge is silly. If the woman was wearing a smaller and more revealing bathing suit, would she still be charged for lewd behavior? I’m betting this charge will be dropped quicker than she dropped her pants.

(Source: LaCrosse Tribune)

Sergeant Sloshed

DJ Spiess — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 01:45:58 +0000

An 18-year-old drunk British soldier stationed at Camp Hohne in Germany decided to go for a 4 am joyride after his night of binge drinking. The soldier chose a “safe” ride, at least safe for him. His vehicle of choice was a tank. Two tanks in fact.

His vehicle wasn’t a full tank; it was a Scimitar which is an armored reconnaissance vehicle (or light tank). The soldier jumped into one tank, drove it around a bit, but got the tank stuck. Once stuck the soldier must have decided “hey, I know where I can get another one”. He returned to the camp and stole a second tank.

Well I guess this is a safe choice for the driver if he's going to drunk drive. He still crashed two of them.

The soldier attempted to drive the tank to Bergen, Germany. I can only imagine the fun he could have with a tank in city limits. A few years back, I saw a great video on the nightly news of a rouge tank driving through a San Diego suburb (and I mean THROUGH)! On the way the drunken soldier ran one car off the road, ran a military police vehicle off the road, and then lost control of the tank crashing it into a tree. Apparently the Scimitar is not powerful enough to run over a tree. The soldier was arrested.

“We all got the giggles when we read this,” British Army spokesperson Helga Heine told The Local. “But stealing a vehicle is a serious offense it will be dealt with accordingly.” I see the brig and a possible court martial in the soldier’s future. When he gets out, he’ll have a very humorous “what I did when I got drunk” story!

(Source: The Local)

Drunk man sucks ash v3.0

DJ Spiess — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:16:40 +0000

When this happened in September 2007, I thought–wow this is so crazy, it would never happen again, so I should write about it. Then defying all odds, it happened a second time in August 2008. Now it’s February 2009 and guess what happened? A drunk man was found stuck in a chimney for a third time. The trifecta is complete!

Yet another man lucky the fire wasn't on!

In Burlington, Vermont, police and fire fighters rescued an unidentified man stuck in a chimney. The man had been screaming for help for hours before police arrived. Rescuers could not pull the man out of his ash prison, so they were forced to dissemble the chimney one brick at a time until they could free him.

Here’s where the story gets weird. The man obviously was drinking. He did not need to volunteer this information for us to know he was drinking. Sober men do not get stuck in chimneys during the wee hours of the morning. The man claims he was drinking with his brother and he has no clue how he got into the chimney. He didn’t even know how he got on the roof. Yeah, no kidding alcohol was involved.

The question left unanswered is where did his brother go? He was stuck in there for hours. You’d think his brother might sober up enough to find some help.

The man was taken to the hospital to treat his injuries, but his next stop might be jail. His story seems a bit shaky. You don’t just fall into chimneys and not remember how you got there. And your brother isn’t likely to leave you stuck without getting help (unless of course, he is a jerk).

My guess is the drunk men decided to attempt to break into a building, got stuck and his buddy took off after he couldn’t get him out. Of course this is speculation, but if the police figure out what he was doing in there, he may find himself in prison getting stuck with a different type of ash pipe.

(Source: wptx.com )

Beer Air

DJ Spiess — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:14:57 +0000

Flying for many is very scary. Just a few weeks ago a plane in Denver, Continental Airlines flight 1404, crashed while taking off. None of the 107 passengers were killed, but 38 were injured and the other 69 required a change of underwear. That’s pretty scary, but imagine being on an airplane filled with Irish drunks!

A re-enactment of what might have happened if he got the door open.

That’s exactly what happened on a Thomas Cook flight from London Gatwick to Cuba. Forty revelers ran amok on the plane, their children hit other passengers, and one drunk tried to exit the plane mid flight. I hope the drunk was a good swimmer, because there isn’t much land when you’re flying between two islands on opposite sides of the planet. One woman was so frightened, she hid in the galley with the crew for five hours.

Thomas Cook is a British airline, and in true British form the airline is looking into possibly pressing charges. The British are so polite. If this happened on an American plane, the passengers would have landed in Gitmo (Guantanamo Bay) for some sobering up and serious felony charges.

The drunken group caused more trouble in Cuba at their all-inclusive hotel in the resort of Playa Pesquero. Seventeen of the drunks were refused reboarding on their return trip. No clue why they all weren’t given permanent Cuban citizenship. The remaining 23 caused trouble on the flight back.

(Source: MailOnline.co.uk)

Are you as think as you drunk you are?

DJ Spiess — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 15:18:24 +0000

Not since the famous “sky is blue” study have we seen something so shocking as the research soon to be published in the March issue of Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research.

According to the study, people use different words to describe they are drunk. Men are smashed or hammered, women are tipsy. There ya go.

This is not anything new, but there is more to the report which states understanding how people describe their intoxication can help researchers better understand self-reporting research. In short, when someone says they are sloshed the researcher can know just how drunk they were.

Are these girls drunk, tipsy, or hammered?

Different words for different drunks

For example, researchers found 222 of the women said they were “tipsy” after having an average of 4 drinks in a 2 hour period. Four drinks in two hours for women are considered “binge drinking” according to the study author Ash Levitt. A male might describe the same night as “hammered”. Hammered sounds significantly more intoxicated than tipsy, even though both sexes might be describing similar experiences.

On the surface the findings sound interesting, but to extend their argument further, a male in England might say he was pissed while someone in the USA might say he was hammered. Different words are used in different demographics. Like I said earlier, the research findings are not earth shattering.

The researchers lumped the words people used into two groups – moderately drunk and stinking drunk. The conclusion researchers suggest is to know the common words used and apply several choices of these words in future self-reporting studies.

Boys lie (so do girls)

Still anyone who has watched more than one episode of House knows people lie. I do not think you can determine how intoxicated a subject was in the past based on self-reporting. The experience is very subjective.

The amount of enjoyment the subject experienced can also color the evening. I’ve seen people go quiet after two beers, and others who are the life of the party after two beers. The first group might describe the evening as mellow, while others would describe the evening as wild. There are studies showing people can unknowingly drink non-alcoholic beer and still act very drunk.

Researchers (and many sobriety checkpoints) have also shown drunks can not count. They can’t even say the alphabet backwards or touch their nose. Self-reporting the number of alcoholic drinks really cannot be trusted. If they could, the iPhone would not be plagued with scores of beer counter applications.

What this means is you cannot reliably determine how intoxicated a person was by their recollection and you cannot determine the number of drinks they consumed. You are left with just the different words used by drunks to describe the experience.

50 words to describe how drunk you are

To be complete, here are the words I know of to describe intoxication. I expect a phone call for my grant money any day now.

addled
beery
bemused
besotted
bibulous
Bierleichen
blasted
blotto
boozy
buzzed
canned
cockeyed
crapulent
crapulous
crocked
delirious
dizzy
doped
drenched
drunk
drunken

ducking frunk
far-gone
fuddled
inebriated
intoxicated
jolly
loaded
mellow
muddled
nappy
pissed
pissed as a newt
plastered
shikker
shitfaced
sloshed
smashed
soaked
sottish
soused
sozzled

squiffy
stinking drunk
stoned
tiddly
tight
tipsy
under the influence
zonked

(Source: ABCNews, paper)

Don’t blame beer if you are angry

DJ Spiess — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:34:58 +0000

Researchers at the Helsinki University Central Hospital have found individuals born with a highly active version of the MAOA gene have a higher risk of impulse violence when drinking alcohol. The MAOA gene produces an enzyme that breaks down chemicals in the brain which are associated with mood. Too much of the enzyme mixed with alcohol creates a mean drunk.

The effect diminishes with age which is why you don’t see too many violent old drunks. Older drunks just yell at imaginary kids on the lawn.

There's a gene that makes some drunks angry drunks

The researches discovered “the bad gene/angry drunk” connection by studying 174 Finish alcoholic male offenders with a history of violence. The research will appear in the March issue of the journal Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research.

(Source: Telegraph.co.uk)

Sydney is a mean drunk

DJ Spiess — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 22:20:54 +0000

You often hear about the random story about someone smashing a bottle over someone else’s head in a bar fight. I guess we can thank John Wayne Westerns for this. In Australia, there is a significant rise in “glassings”.

There's a gene that makes some drunks angry drunks

I never saw this behavior while drinking with other Australians in the United States, but apparently they are very mean drunks down under. One of the most popular stories on Fermentarium last year was about a mean drunk Australian girl who didn’t like kiwis. This time it’s all-out bar fights. Smashing bottles and glasses into other patrons, by men and women, is so out of control in New South Wales the government is stepping in.

The New South Wales government will no longer allow pubs to apply for 24-hour liquor licenses, last call will be enforced after 2 am, and after midnight drinks will be served in plastic cups. If you want to face someone with a bottle, you’ll have to do it before 12:00 am.

The violence in New South Wales has risen 7% annually, and recorded 21,000 incidents of alcohol-related violence in the past year. There are only 4 million people in Sydney (6 million in New South Wales), so 21,000 is a pretty high number.

(Source: reuters.com)

8 drunk driving lessons we can learn from beer nuts

DJ Spiess — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 20:44:58 +0000

Keep your clothes on when caught

Take Holly Kay Highfield from Jacksonville, Florida for example. She was driving drunk in a Honda filled with children, deliberately tried to crash her car into a cyclist, carjacked another car after the crash with the bicycle, and then crashed the stolen car into her Honda. At this point you can assume she’s in a ton of trouble. So what does she do at this point? She starts taking her clothes off. Taking your clothes off at the scene of the crime will not help you, nor will it get you out of a DWI. So if you’re pulled over, keep your clothes on.

(Source: First Coast News)

Do not attract attention to yourself while driving

Gail Powell from the UK learned the importance of not being seen while driving drunk. She was seen swerving in traffic with her broken leg in a cast hanging out the driver’s side window. Her blood alcohol content was 1.5 times the legal limit, so you could say the woman was plastered. A police car driving in the opposite direction noticed the woman and her leg, and pulled her over for a DWI.

(Source: Metro.co.uk)

The best way to avoid becoming like these drunks, is just don't drink and drive

Don’t attempt to erase your high BAC with wite-out

Juan Briceno, 33, of Omaha, Nebraska was busted for his fourth DUI/DWI. He was in the police station with a blood alcohol content of .287 percent, so you could say the evidence was stacked against him. No matter how bad your DUI situation is, drinking Wite-Out the correction fluid for typing errors will not erase the high BAC. The police officers administered a blood test instead of the breathalyzer.

(Source: LiveLeak.com)

Don’t drive school buses into poles

He’s Otto and he’s blotto. Ok his name isn’t Otto, but his actions will not win him any babysitter of the year awards. When driving drunk, driving a school bus filled with children is not going to help your case. Even worse, drunk driving a school bus of children into a pole will not get you any leniency.

(Source: ksl.com )

Alternate modes of transportation will not avoid a DWI

When you are drunk, driving something other than a car is still drunk driving. Police from Queensland, Australia arrested a 64-year-old man for drunk driving his wheelchair. The man was found passed out in the turning lane of a highway.
(Source: News.com.au)

Make sure your designated driver is of driving age

Holly L. Schnobrich, 24, of Lafayette, Indiana was drunk and needed a designated driver. Does she call a friend, her mom, or even a taxi? Nope. Her choice of driver, her 5-year-old son, landed her in jail for public intoxication and child endangerment. Choosing an underage driver will not prevent you from running afoul with the law, and you certainly will not win mother-of-the-year awards.

(Source: IndyStar)

Don’t ask a drunk friend to help you

A man crashed his pickup into a parked car and had troubles freeing his truck from the car. His drunk friend helped him separate his truck from the car and attempted to drive him home. Since his friend was drunk too, he crashed the pickup truck into another parked car on the same street. Both men were charged with DUIs.

(Source: LoHud.com)

Don’t try to outrun the cops

If you are busted for a DUI, just accept the situation and don’t make it worse like Stephen Ray Castor, 53. Like all ideas when drunk, Castor’s idea of escape from the law was failed from the start. Castor was driving a lawn mower (see Alternate modes of transportation will not avoid a DWI above). He led the police on a 3 mph “high speed” chase before a police office grabbed him.

(Source: KomoNews.com)

Second drunk man sucks ash

DJ Spiess — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:23:18 +0000

He was trying to rob Santa's Headquarters by entering through the chimney. Really?

Yes it happened again! Almost 10 months after the Munich incident , I am again writing about a drunk person stuck in a chimney! Not only is this another story about a drunk stuck in a chimney, this is another story about a naked drunk stuck in a chimney. Richard Kline, 48, was rescued by police and emergency workers from a chimney in Warren, Ohio naked.

Kline was released from jail earlier in the day for attempted breaking and entering. Naturally the best thing to do under such circumstances is to get stinking drunk and break into another building. Police say he was looking for a place to sleep, so he decided to enter the building by sliding down a chimney Santa-style. The story gets better.

The building in question was a log cabin used as Santa’s Headquarters.

There is no word why he was naked. It could be he took off his clothes in an attempt to get free like the previous drunk . It could also be he likes to sleep in the nude.

(Source: MyFox Cleveland)

10 drunkest people ever

DJ Spiess — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 20:33:20 +0000

Here is a list of some of the drunkest people on the planet. It is surprising half of the record holders here are female! Even more surprising, if not really sad, is all of these drunks except one were found driving while intoxicated. They are lucky to be alive in several ways.

When your blood alcohol level is 0.500% or higher, you’re considered dead. 0.500% is the lethal limit (not legal). Most people die when their blood alcohol levels reach these insane limits. To get your BAC levels over 0.400%, you need to drink over sixteen 12 ounce Budweiser beers in one hour. Keep this in mind when you read these next few drunks .

You really need to drink hard to get as drunk as these people

The Bulgarian miracle (0.914% BAC)

An unidentified 67-year-old man was brought to a hospital after getting hit by a car. In fact this is the only drunk we found who wasn’t trying to drive! When doctors tested his BAC, they thought something was wrong with their instruments. After 5 separate lab tests, doctors finally confirmed the ridiculously high blood alcohol content. The man was able to speak/slur to the doctors. I normally wouldn’t consider him without a name, but 5 tests and multiple news sources reporting this lead me to believe this story is true.

(Source: CBC.CA)

The breakfast drunk (0.720% BAC)

Terri Comer, 42, luckily drove her car into a snow bank in Oregon. Police found her slumped at the wheel at 11:30 AM. That’s in the morning – almost noon. Either she starts early, or she was coming home from one hell of a party the night before! Police had to break her car window to retrieve her and take her to a hospital.

(Source: The Smoking Gun)

The beer hunter (0.690% BAC)

Willard Ashley III, 32, was found sitting in his car. He claimed he was hunting and waiting for a friend to call a tow truck, but it was clear the car was wrecked not stalled. He was arrested for public intoxication in Indiana. I’m assuming he didn’t get a DUI since the car was not running at the time of arrest. His “hunting buddy” did show up a bit later, drunk as well.

(Source: The Smoking Gun)

Hanging at the pizza joint (0.550% BAC)

Meagan Harper, 30, was found by police outside a pizza joint passed out in her car. The Oregon woman’s story is kinda lame, but the blood alcohol content in her system is impressive.

(Source: The Smoking Gun)

Blasted but not belted (0.532% BAC)

Cloyd Joseph Dull, 49, was found passed out at the wheel of his 1989 Plymouth. Not only was he charged for drinking and driving at a ridiculously high blood alcohol level, he also got charged with not wearing a seat belt.

(Source: The Smoking Gun)

Tacoma County record holder (0.500% BAC)

Rebecca G. Lingbloom, 45, was seen swerving all over the road and almost ran over a pedestrian. The Washington state woman scored a 0.500 two hours after being arrested. I’m guessing she was at 0.530 at the time of arrest assuming normal metabolism rates.

(Source: Boston.com)

Stanley, Destroyer of Billboards (0.491% BAC)

Stanley Kobierwoski, 34, drove his car into a highway billboard when police arrested him. He had troubles getting out of the car (I’d have troubles moving at that BAC), and then refused to leave his car. Cops had to carry him away.

(Source: SF Gate)

How many drinks do you need to consume to get your BAC this high?!?

The ex-cop (0.470% BAC)

Deana Jarrett, 54, was driving and hit two cars before police caught up with her. She hit a Volkswagen, tried to convince the other driver to not call the cops, and then she drove away into a second collision – this time with a Lexus SUV. She was an ex Seattle police officer. It’s interesting she was arrested, booked, and then released four hours later. You’d think with a BAC so high they would take her to the hospital first.

(Source: Associated Content)

The Queensland record holder for women (0.446% BAC)

Toni Apperton of Queensland, Australia, was found unconscious at the wheel of her car. She has the current record for Queensland for women. This implies there is at least one man in Queensland who has equaled or surpassed her feat.

(Source: ABC News AU)

The lawnmower man (0.441% BAC)

Jerold Earhart, 29, drove home drunk on a lawnmower. Ironically this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of this. He drove in circles in an intersection, passed out at the wheel, and then was thrown from the mower. The mower continued into a tree where witnesses turned off the mower.

(Source: MLive.com)

If you find a drunk that tops 0.441%, let me know and I’ll add them to the list.

Man doesn’t get beer, gets goat

DJ Spiess — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 22:36:04 +0000

A Wisconsin man Peter W. Mischler, 48, wanted more beer. He told his wife over the phone that if she didn’t return from the grocery store with beer, he would get her goats. She was already on her way home, so she refused.

Since this is a Beer Nuts! story, you know what happened next. Four gunshots later (apparently he was already seeing double) police were summoned to his home.

“He shot both of them. He killed Flash, and the officer had to kill Chloe,” the daughter, Megan Mischler, said in a phone interview Wednesday. “I really don’t understand why he shot them — they didn’t deserve it.” She added that the father was really upset about a mess the goats made earlier, not the beer. The family was very upset about the goats, because they were more like family dogs to the family. The goats had been with the family since they were kids.

Mr. Mischler was charged with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon.

Homebrew for two turns ugly

DJ Spiess — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 17:14:46 +0000

Two men drinking home brew in Noorvik, Alaska (where the f&*$ is that?!?!) got in an altercation. Since it was in Alaska, naturally a chainsaw and fire extinguisher were involved. The police responded to the report of assault at 7:40 in the morning. That’s about sunset and happy hour in Alaska, right?

Apparently homebrew fights can get crazy in Alaska (unknown image source)

The two men got into a fight after drinking, and one broke the other’s foot. Not satisfied with just the broken foot, the man with the advantage also hit the injured man with a chainsaw and a fire extinguisher. The injured man crawled to a neighboring home for help.

The attacker, Ronald Barr, 48, was charged with two counts of first-degree assault and one count each of second, third and fourth-degree assault. We didn’t know there were that many “assaults”.

Barr was also charged with manufacturing an alcoholic beverage. Didn’t Jimmy Carter make this legal in the 70s? Maybe the news hasn’t reached Alaska yet?

Wear nice pants and wax!

DJ Spiess — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:43:46 +0000

Make sure you're wearing nice underware when you pass out!

If you are female and you like to drink a bit much, the police have a message for you. Wear nice pants and wax. In an effort to get a message out about responsible drinking, police want to warn you that you might show more than you intended. If you are not wearing nice underwear and sporting a fresh wax, the image might not be pretty.

“For those of you intent on getting ratted (drunk) this weekend, think,” reads Safe! magazine. The article was accompanied by pictures of a scantily-clad woman collapsed on the floor flashing her underwear.

“If you fall over or pass out, remember your skirt or dress may ride up. You could show off more than you intended – for all our sakes, please make sure you’re wearing nice pants and that you’ve recently had a wax“.

The police insist that their point is tongue-in-cheek.

World’s worst hangover

DJ Spiess — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:40:36 +0000

The world's worst hangover could happen to you!

Stop us if you’ve heard this one.

A man walks into a doctor’s office in Glasgow, Scotland complaining about a headache; a headache he’s had for four weeks straight.

At first the doctors were stumped. He had no history of head problems before, no recent trauma to the head, and he wasn’t taking any medication. His blood pressure and brain scan both returned normal results. Finally someone called in a eye specialist.

The ophthalmologist found that he had swollen optical disks, greatly enlarged blind spots and what eye doctors call “flame hemorrhages”, or bleeding nerve fibers. After more questioning, the patient finally remembered to mention the 60 pints of beer (35 liters) he had over a four day period. Binge drinking causes headaches, who knew? Severe dehydration caused by the alcohol, the doctors surmised, had led to a rare condition called cerebral venous sinus thrombosis (CVST). We are still calling it a hangover.

It took over six months of blood thinning medication (isn’t that what alcohol does anyway??) to restore the man’s vision, and relieve the headache.

Drunk man sucks ash

DJ Spiess — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 21:26:32 +0000

A German party-goer was found stuck in a chimney after 12 hours. The 27-year old man had been drinking heavily at Oktoberfest

Hypothermia really was the better option for this guy

(of course) and was trying to find a friend’s apartment. When he found that his friend was not home, he tried the roof. Once again, all ideas sound much better when you are drunk.

While walking towards what he thought was a gap between two houses, he slid head first 30 meters (98 feet to those of us on this side of the pond) into a chimney. He tried climbing out, but found himself stuck. He did manage to turn around after removing his clothes. Still he was stuck, now naked, and sucking ash.

Twelve hours later the man’s cries were heard, and rescuers knocked a hole in the chimney. He was taken to the hospital and treated for hypothermia, which really is the better option when you are stuck over a place built for fire.

Cops don’t like these doughnuts

DJ Spiess — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 21:12:38 +0000

Danielle Joleen Brown, 21, of Des Moines was arrested September 5th for driving while intoxicated, assault on a police officer, interference with official acts and reckless driving. She was stopped while driving circles on the grass.

She's just so gosh-darn-happy to be arrested!

She slipped out of her handcuffs while being transported, so the police had to remove her from the squad car. Officers said she was uncooperative, easily distracted, happy and laughing as seen in her happy mug shot, then angry the next. At one point she tried to grab an officer’s groin with an open hand (most likely not in a friendly “Senator Craig” sort of way and more of an angry Megan Jane Conroy sort of way!).

She tested over three times the legal limit. She makes our Beer Nuts! section because she is just so gosh darn happy in her mug shot!

Drunk school girl kicks Kiwi in the kiwis

DJ Spiess — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 20:50:16 +0000

A re-enactment? Do not try this at home. (courtesy of kevinclark on flickr.com)

Megan Jane Conroy, a 17 year old Australian school girl returned to her home in Sandstone Point north of Brisbane to find her mom and several of her friends celebrating a birthday party. She asked one guest if he was a “kiwi”, a word used to describe people from New Zealand. When the 40 year old man answered yes, she told him to “get f***ed”. Apparently she doesn’t like “kiwis”.

She then was offended by the “kiwi” when he pronounced her name incorrectly. He said “Meagan” instead of “Megan”. She punished him with a knee to the groin and demanded that he say it correctly. It isn’t clear if the man attempted to correctly pronounce her name or simply whimpered while gasping for air, but she pushed him up against a wall and kneed him again. The drunk school girl was pulled from the man while she tried to kick him for a third time.

The man was treated for severe bruising and tenderness to his testicles, pride. The court was told that the girl was drunk at the time, and the behavior was out of character.

She pleaded guilty and was released on a $200, six-month good behavior bond. No conviction was recorded.

Naked Male Hula Dancer Steals Beer

DJ Spiess — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 20:26:03 +0000

We’ve heard of the topless bandits where women rob banks topless to distract people from looking at their faces, but this story has to top that! Three men in DeSoto, Missouri (the “show-me” state) were looking to knock back a few cold ones. Their problem… they had no cash. They were not going to let this deter them, so a plan was concocted. We’re assuming the plan was formulated while drunk, because everything sounds like a better idea when drunk.

Naked beer theif or Sasquatch, you decide.

Their plan was simple. One would act as the distraction, one would steal the beer, and the third would man the get-away car. Sounds good so far, right? Their distraction, you ask? The distraction would be one guy wearing a mask and nothing else performing a hula dance for the woman behind the register. Beer nuts anyone? Apparently the distraction “came up short” because the clerk was not impressed. She called the cops and jotted down the license plate number. The security camera caught the heist “in all it’s glory” on tape. The three men, ranging in age from 19 to 23, were arrested a few days later, and face theft and indecency charges.

Let’s hope they took something better than Natural Light for their troubles!

Bare man eaten by bears at beer festival

DJ Spiess — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 16:04:30 +0000

A 23 year old man, and possible Darwin Award nominee, was found dead in the bear cage at the Belgrade Zoo in Belgrade, Serbia. “There’s a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage,” zoo director Vuk Bojovic.

Since this happened over the weekend during the beer festival, authorities are assuming that the man was drunk or drugged when he entered the bear cage. The bare facts are that the man was completely bare in the bear cage. The man’s clothes were found intact inside the cage, so authorities think he undressed himself inside the cage. It is unclear why he decided to bare himself for the bears. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time after the beers.

Top 14 Movie Drunks

DJ Spiess — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 06:57:15 +0000

This list started out as the “best beer movies” list. After “Strange Brew” and “Young Einstein“, the list starts to get really thin. There is a severe shortage of movies where beer is the central theme. Much fewer if you are only considering good ones. Even when you open it up to movies where alcohol is the central theme, you risk placing movies like “Cocktail“, “Coyote Ugly” or “Leaving Las Vegas” on the list. There are very few movies where Beer or Wine is intrinsic to the theme of the movie. (We didn’t forget about “Sideways“, we just don’t like what they did to Merlot!)

So this list is about fun drunks! While real life drunks usually are no fun, Hollywood loves to give us drunks we wish we were when we are drunk. Here’s a list of the top movie scenes with funny drunks!

The Legend of Drunken Master (1978)

Considered one of Jackie Chan’s most entertaining movies, this cult favorite features a martial artist who must be drunk to be effective. Jackie Chan’s fights are always pure comedic genius, but he takes it one level higher in the final fight scene as a very drunk fighter. How cool it is to be totally drunk and still kick butt!

Bad News Bears (1976)

Walter Matthau plays an alcoholic coach of a little league team. His current job is to clean pools, but he makes the kids do it and pays them in beers. He’s horrible to everyone around him, but we still end up liking him.

Weird Science (1985)

Not quite a classic drunk, but a very funny drunk scene where Anthony Michael Hall (as white as you can get) trying to talk jive.

Beerfest (2006)

Fight Club for beer drinkers. Everyone is drunk throughout the movie, but the scene where Barry Badrinath (Jay Chandrasekhar) is beer-goggling makes me laugh every time. His view of the events verses the actual events when he “hooks up” are priceless. He also can’t play quarters unless he’s drunk.

National Lampoon’s Van Wilder (2002)

In reality it is not cool, but in the movies nothing is funnier than drunken kids. Van Wilder’s rival sets Van up by sending some very under-aged drinkers to his party and calls the cops. The kids walk out stumbling with their arms around each other.

Old School (2003)

Three words… “WE’RE GOING STREAKING”!! (or does that count as four)

The Wedding Singer (1998)

Hilarious, although somewhat uncomfortable, Robbie (Adam Sandler) gives his “best wishes” to the bride and groom.
Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy; I’m not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I’m paying you to sing.
Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don’t, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!

Star Trek VI – The Undiscovered Country (1991)

After a disastrous dinner with the Klingons, Kirk remarks “Note to Galley; Romulan Ale no longer to be served at diplomatic functions.”

Tombstone (1993)

You’re my huckleberry! Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer) steals the show. In many ways, he’s the only redeeming character in this movie. One of the best quotes is when he is told that he is too drunk to hit anything and is probably seeing double; he answers “I have two guns, one for each of ya.”

Bad Santa (2003)

Willie (Billy Bob Thorton) has to be the worst (and funniest) Santa ever. The scene where he walks into the line of children to be Santa and falls over drunk as he punches a fake burro is one of the funniest scenes in the movie. The argument than ensues over who is going to pick him up is even funnier.

10 (1979)

Dudley Moore plays a very dysfunctional alcoholic in 10. In the funniest scene, George Webber (Dudley Moore) mixes alcohol and pain killers after a dentist appointment. After an unintelligible conversation with his girlfriend on the phone, the girlfriend calls the cops to arrest the intruder. Eventually after clearing up things with the cops, the cop remarks “You really shouldn’t mix drugs with alcohol” to which Dudley replies “You coulda fooled me!”.

National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978)

John ‘Bluto’ Blutarsky (John Belushi) is one of the funniest drunks ever. When drinking, every idea sounds better while you are drinking. Their idea for sneaking a horse into the dean’s office is one of the most memorable scenes in movies. That and his famous line “Did we quit when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?”

Arthur (1981)

Again Dudley Moore outdoes himself as Arthur. Is he the best drunk ever? Possibly. He’s drunk in almost every scene of the movie, but the scene with the moose head is one of the best.

[pointing at a mounted moose on the wall]
Arthur: Where’s the rest of this moose.
Burt Johnson: Arthur, I think it’s time we got to know one another.
Arthur: I do too. That’s why I had to come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room.
[pats the moose]
Arthur: I don’t have to tell you that.
[points to the moose again]
Arthur: You must’ve hated this moose.
Burt Johnson: Why don’t you forget the moose for a moment!
[looks at the moose then to Burt]
Arthur: Right.

And finally…. best drunks ever!

Strange Brew (1983)

Best movie drunks ever! Eh?

This is possibly the best movie ever with beer and drunks. Any scene in this movie could be considered a classic.

Doug McKenzie: Yeah. OK, well, uh, we found, uh, this mouse in a bottle of YOUR BEER, eh. Like, we was at a party and, uh, a friend of ours – a COP – had some, and HE PUKED. And he said, uh, come here and get free beer or, uh, he’ll press charges.

There were some notable mentions. They are either TV only, movies that many haven’t seen, or just a bit too old to remember.

Lucille Ball in “Yours, Mine and Ours”
Bender from Futurama
Barney from The Simpsons
Flanders from The Simpsons(when Homer gets him drunk)
Norm in Cheers
Peter O’Toole in “My Favorite Year”
“Withnail and I“ is a bit too obscure.

What were your favorites?

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Top 14 Movie Drunks

The Legend of Drunken Master (1978)

Bad News Bears (1976)

Weird Science (1985)

Beerfest (2006)

National Lampoon’s Van Wilder (2002)

Old School (2003)

The Wedding Singer (1998)

Star Trek VI – The Undiscovered Country (1991)

Tombstone (1993)

Bad Santa (2003)

10 (1979)