Where in the world is Somerton, AZ. Yeah I had to look it up too.

A time capsule from way back in 1985 contained letters, photographs, something called a VHS tape, and even a picture of the late President Reagan.  The time capsule in Somerton, Arizona was however missing a bottle of Mexican brandy.

Pancho Soto, the Somerton street and solid waste supervisor, says he was part of the crew that buried the time capsule and he expected the bottle to be there when they dug it up from Main Street.  He was surprised it was missing.

I’m surprised that

1. They dug up a “time capsule” 25 years later.  What was the rush?
2. Mexico has brandy?  I thought Mexico was tequilla-land.
3. There’s a Somerton, Arizona?!  I went to high school in Scottsdale, AZ, and I’ve never heard of the city.  Hooray for public school education!

(Source: Arizona Daily Star)

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Beware of beautiful women who are interested in you!

Three sexy women were arrested for scamming drunk men out of their money.  The young women in their 20s targeted drunk men outside bars offering rides home or after hour parties.  Once the man was lured into in the car, the sirens would slip their hands into the men’s pockets removing their cell phones, cash, and wallets.

The three women slipped their hands into the pants of more than 50 “victims” before the law caught up with them.  The vicitms included lawyers and NYU professors.  One drunk lost $5000 to the three women.  There was no word on how many men were “repeat victims”.

The sexy sting worked like this.  Tiffany Rasberry, 21, and Barbara Labady, 22, lured men into a car offering to take the man to an after hours party.  One lawyer got into the car, and then needed to stop at an ATM machine on the way.  The two girls watched him punch in his PIN, then when they got back into the car they ran their hands into his pockets removing his wallet.  The third woman, Subhanna Beyah, 21, feigned illness.  He stepped out of the car to let her out, and the car sped away with his wallet and PIN.   Within thirty minutes the women had removed $1600 from his account.

The lawyer has apparently never seen X-Men 2 or he’d know Magneto’s famous line, “Never trust a beautiful woman, especially a beautiful woman who’s interested in you”.  Luckily for him, he noticed his wallet missing and called the cops right away.  The three vixens were arrested for multiple counts of grand larceny and possession of stolen property.

The women’s defense was “it was an alternative to turning tricks”.

(Source: New York Post)

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Graham J. Nickerson, 27, pleaded guilty for entering the home of a senior citizen and stealing a pair of her Depends underwear.  To say alcohol may have been a factor in the heist is an understatement.

I'm not sure he would have been better off going for a pair like these

Nickerson was returning from a party and got lost in the woods.  Not only did he get lost, he lost his pants.  At least he didn’t get stuck in a chimney.  While traveling over the river and through the woods, he stumbled upon a house.  Not his gramdma’s house, but probably someone’s grandmother’s house.

The home belonged to a 92 year old woman.  He walked in, stole a pair of her underwear, put them on and then passed out on the floor.  Not only will he have to pay a $250 fine and abstain from alcohol for a year (probably a good thing), he will have to live with the fact he was found by police drunk, passed out, and wearing granny’s Depends™ underwear.

The best part was his reply when the judge asked Nickerson how this made him feel.  His reply was inaudible.

(Source: EdmontonSun.com)

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James Bridges, 46, walked into a Jackson’s food store for easy money.  He took the money from the register behind the counter and attempted to walk out with it.  One witness to the crime was just there for some beer.  Unfortunately for James Bridges, the man was Lt. Dave Dietz, a corrections officer from the local state pen.

Lt. Dietz was packing, as in “six-packing”.  When Bridges stopped paying attention to the off-duty corrections officer, Lt. Dietz smacked Bridges on the head with the beer.  (Is this considered beer with too much head?)

Well since I won't drink it, it might actually make a good weapon!

Dietz and another store patron tackled Bridges after the brew smackdown, and waited for the police to arrive.  The beer vigilante was hailed a hero, but he doesn’t think so.

“Ya, I don’t think hero. I just hit the guy over the head with a six-pack of beer,” said Dietz.  James Bridges, a career felon, is looking at a long time in prison quite possibly with the man who put him behind bars.

Sadly all six beers perished in the attack.

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Francis E. Dougherty, 45, is yet another thief with questionable taste.  He walked into a store, and walked out with a 4 pack of  Milwaukee’s Best (known as The Beast through college, although one doubts Mr. Dougherty’s liking of it comes from higher education) tucked under his jacket.  Mr. Dougherty, apparently not aware that this was insufficiently sneaky, will never be known for his stealth.  The clerk saw him and called the cops.

At this point you are probably wondering what’s the big deal?  He’s just another beer thief in Florida.  Well Mr. Dougherty went home, drank his purloined beer, and returned to the same store for more beer.  Apparently the beer was so good, this time he tried to buy it – another four pack of Milwaukee’s Best.

Then for some bizarre reason he noticed that the clerk was on the phone with the police department, so he inexplicably left his address and headed  home with more beer.  Weird, huh?  He was later arrested for stealing  the first four pack.  What was the total value of goods stolen?  A grand total of $2.49, proving once again that beer thieves have zero taste in beer.

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Are these trucks really that easy to steal? Hmm....

Why is it so easy to steal beer in large trucks?  We’ve had two heists reported in Canada and one in Ireland .

This week’s beer heist occurred in Albany, New York.  Thieves with no discriminating beer taste stole 2,300 cases of Miller Lite, Milwalkee’s Best (beast), and Schlitz beer stored in a trailer truck.  The trailer truck was stolen with the beer.

The theft of beer may have gone unnoticed for almost a week; Dougherty County Police believe that the theft occurred sometime between December 21st and December 27th.  Given the types of beer stolen and the fact that universities are on break, we’re surprised that someone noticed that quickly!

The 2004 Hyundai trailer is white with “Braco” and “BTI” written on the sides and back in green letters.  The Tennessee tag number is HT 661739.  If you have information on the missing beer and trailer, the Dougherty County Police would love to hear from you at 229-430-6600.

Again, Bob and Doug McKenzie were unavailable for comment.

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1. Another beer heist, eh?
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Two men in Bakersfield, California tried to steal beer from a Fastrip convenience store.  Again we have to ask, is there any beer at a convenience store that is worth stealing??

Not only did they not get the beer, the clerk physically held one of the men to the ground.  The robbery ended in a stalemate after the second man pulled out a knife and demanded the clerk release his buddy.

The two men then escaped the store (and further humiliation) in a waiting car.  A witness followed the two sad burglars to their residence, and called the police.

The police raided the home with a K-9 (dog) unit.  The dog attacked a 14 year old boy who was not connected with the lame robbery attempt.  The boy was treated for minor wounds, while the two men were arrested.

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In San Antonio, Texas, four would-be master thieves suspected of stealing beer were foiled after their get-away car crashed into a police cruiser.

They stole three 18-packs of beer and four cases of iced-tea.  Since there are no good beers that come in 18-packs, we assume that their beer taste was surpassed only by their criminal acumen.

As the police officer arrived on scene, the beer heist went afoul when they backed up into the SAPD cruiser.

Three men were arrested, while a fourth somehow managed to avoid capture.

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A lone thief entered the Guinness brewery in Dublin, Ireland and escaped with 450 kegs of beer.  This was the largest known heist from the brewery in their 248 years of doing business.

The thief drove in with a truck, attached his truck to a trailer awaiting delivery, and drove out with the beer valued over $235,000.  He escaped with 180 kegs of Guinness, 180 kegs of Budweiser beer, and 90 kegs of Carlsberg.  Police speculate that the man would fence the beer at pubs that want to escape the hefty taxes on alcohol.

In the past, the Irish Republican Army (IRA) or local gangs would steal alcohol or cigarettes for sympathetic pubs and bars.  No heist of this magnitude has ever occurred in Dublin.

No one got a good look at the man, and police will not say whether the closed circuit TVs captured his image.

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Apparently Canadians have difficulties keeping their beer under wraps.  Thieves in Calgary stole a 16 meter trailer filled with beer.  The beer was valued at $100,000.  This is the second time we’ve reported a beer heist of this magnitude in Canada.

A truck large enough to haul the trailer was stolen from a nearby construction site a few days earlier.  The trailer was stolen a day before it was to be delivered.  The stolen beer is usually found sold in unlicensed clubs.

Once again Bob and Doug Mackenzie were unavailable for comment.

Best movie drunks ever! Eh?

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A New Zealand brewery, the Croucher Brewing Company, is missing a laptop.  According to the owners, the laptop contains designs, contact information, and financials.  They REALLY want it back.

They are offering a lifetime supply of beer (12 bottles a month) to any information leading to the retrieval of the computer.  If it’s good beer, we’re willing to buy them a new one!

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We’ve heard of the topless bandits where women rob banks topless to distract people from looking at their faces, but this story has to top that!  Three men in DeSoto, Missouri (the “show-me” state) were looking to knock back a few cold ones.  Their problem… they had no cash.  They were not going to let this deter them, so a plan was concocted. We’re assuming the plan was formulated while drunk, because everything sounds like a better idea when drunk.

Their plan was simple.  One would act as the distraction, one would steal the beer, and the third would man the get-away car.  Sounds good so far, right?  Their distraction, you ask?  The distraction would be one guy wearing a mask and nothing else performing a hula dance for the woman behind the register.  Beer nuts anyone?  Apparently the distraction “came up short” because the clerk was not impressed.  She called the cops and jotted down the license plate number.  The security camera caught the heist “in all it’s glory” on tape.  The three men, ranging in age from 19 to 23, were arrested a few days later, and face theft and indecency charges.

Let’s hope they took something better than Natural Light for their troubles!

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A couple in Port St. Lucie decided to go for a late night beer run.  Unfortunately for Jason Muni and Pamela Battilla, they arrived at the store at 2:15 am, 15 minutes later than last call in Florida.  The store clerk informed them that they could not buy the 12-pack of Natural Light Ice in cans valued at $6.29.

Lack of taste and punctuality were not their only alleged crimes that night.  Muni allegedly threw a fit and created a disturbance.  He claimed that he could buy alcohol in Orlando until 5am (according to Florida law, Mickey Mouse stops serving at 2am as well).  Still the clerk refused.

Muni eventually grabbed the beer, threw down $10 to the clerk, and said “‘don’t worry about it, (expletive),’” So not only did he take the cheapest beer available, he over paid for it.

He and his alleged accomplice left the scene with the beer, but not before the clerk took down his license plate number.  It was easy work for the police to find the couple.

The police report states, “Battilla stated that she can’t believe that she was going to jail for ‘the cheapest beer made‘”.  The report also stated “The beer will not be placed into evidence as it was consumed.”

Lesson learned, if you’re going to take beer, at least make it worth it!

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The moose is loose!

Moosehead lovers in Ontario are advised to keep a lookout for their moose on the loose.  The thirsty thieves stole 100,000 cans and bottles of Moosehead beer — a total net worth of $200,000, not counting the deposit.

“Moosehead drinkers in Ontario would be wise to stock up today,” company spokesman Joel Levesque said.  There are shortages of Mooshead expected, and supplies are not expected to return to normal for at least a month.

It was the second time in three years that such a heist took place.  Last time this happened (yes it’s happened before!!), 50,000 cans of Moosehead went missing and only 14,000 cans were recovered.

Bob and Doug McKenzie were unavailable for comment, eh.

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